Yeah, Justin Upton will hit six homers all year and .170. Yup, Jason Hammel will have an ERA under one. You betcha, Gregory Polanco will bat after the pitcher by September. Okay, on that last one, I don't want to jinx anything, so let's just say I'm being sarcastic and I don't need no Polanco batting low in the order. Double negatives be damned! Finally, Jose Abreu is a Cuban sandwich short of pickles, which makes him a ham sandwich, which is a trailer park doorstop. He's nothing. Done. It was a good ride we had with Abreu, but the last three weeks trumps all the seasons that came before it. And the new president of that sentence is trumps. Abreu, sir, if I may sit you down for a second. Please retire, your career is over. You had a good ride. Let baseball go. Look at Bobby Abreu, for example. He had grandkids and started wearing a dress and now goes by Bubbie Abreu. Take his lead. Your time is gone. Sure, you have an insanely low BABIP. You're actually walking more this year than last. Your homers per fly balls is absurdly low. Your ground balls are actually lower this year, like subterranean. You're striking out about the same amount. Alas, it's over! Hang up your cleats! Not on that hook, that's for my Par Djoos jersey for when I want to start a Sega video game fight. Or I guess you could just turn around your season; I mean, there are five months left. Yes, you should buy low on Abreu (and Upton). The season is barely nascent. Fun fact! N/A-scent is when you think someone farted, but they actually have a dead raccoon in their jacket. Anyway, here's some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
↧
